But don't just leave me hangin on.

and anyway, i would just like to say to anyone who reads this blog that, i'm not in any depressed mood or 'EMO' world of any sort. i just prefer to write out my feelings in the blog, since it's MINE. so i'd appreciate it, if no one comes up to me & asks me if anything is wrong.

cause i'm fine, or atleast i'm getting by (:

CONFUSION.

i don't know whether i actually caught you noticing, just now.

but i'm NOT supposed to judge your reactions, remember?

cos i'll just get it all wrong,

like last time.

so luckily i didn't react.

or rather, tried not to.

today there was a STRESS management talk in school.

and we had to look at our LOVE LANGUAGES.

haha.

i think mine is: SPENDING QUALITY TIME (:

but i do like the gifts, sometimes!. hahs

but i really treasure time, quality time spent with people i like/love.

regardless of if it's with a group or just two people.

and i tend to get attached to them after that.

sometimes, alittle too much i guess.

'clingy' is the word.

but i've learned or actually, am learning & changing.

and i think what i did was wrong.

i was rushing, i'm not denying.

maybe i was afraid.

afraid of losing you to that other someone.

someone who's better than me.

even though i tried to be happy for you.

just that little bit of jealousy in me, made me push on.

i just wanted you to know me better.

then maybe, just maybe you might change your mind.

& i really couldn't help it.

we're both in diff. places most of the time.

there's rarely an occasion to meet.

unless it's made on purpose.

& your lack of usage of stuff like msn/friendster just makes it worse.

so the only means : sms

so what could i do?

how do you maintain communication with a friend, oh wait, acquaintance when there are so little ways to communicate?

how do you get to know a person better so as to make them treat you as a friend when there's no way to talk to them?

you tell me.

so i tried, the only way i could.

and i msg-ed just like how i do to all my friends.

& who knew it'd turn up this way?

now i want to go back to the first msg, from you.

& think of how i could have handled it better.

judged you better & just done things differently.

cos even though i avoid, i feel like calling you & talking abt anything under the sun.

or just listen to you cos i want to be able to sit with you & feel the comfort that i felt that time.

something that you obviously didn't feel.

i'm really sorry tht i rushed. i honestly am.

i guess it must have felt so wierd.

and i thought it would have, but my sources said no.

and i trusted.

but now, it's all about studies.

i'm not going for netball camp cos i'm dying with my flu & sorethroat.

i went school so as to not miss out on econs but i couldn't concentrate.

i just felt so weak throughout the day.

& i was sneezing & shivering uncontrollably.

and tmrw might be worse even if it is a short day.

cos there's like history quiz & i'm supposed to hand in the files but i haven't arranged them ):

goshh, this has been a BAD week.

can't wait for the weekends.

i have to study hist now although nothing might register in my head.

but still, i need to eat,sleep,breathe ASEAN for the next hour or so, till i can't take it anymore.

oh and to AMIRA BEGUM! :

i'm superduper sorry that i won't be accompanying you at the camp tmrw & sat.

it's just that i'm SICK & so if i come, i'd just sit arnd and not train so it'll be soooo wierd. & i know camwhoring with you and sleeping in the same classroom would be super fun. but yeah, i know you'd understand the situation.

i love you loads okay (: try to enjoy yourself! & i'll see you on monday! :D

gosh, i was such a fool.

sometimes, having too many people

telling me things about you,

is just plain bad.

when you let your heart win.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

♥ 9:49 PM

I'M FEELING REALLY SICK NOW!
would someone care to give me strepsils & panadol flu?

it's really bad, that i'm feeling super cold now, at home.
when it's supposed to be like normal temperature. HAHA.
& i could probably drop dead on my bed, if i stopped blogging.
my throats gotten worse & my nose is blocked. i'm still coughing pretty badly too.
but i've got to go to school cos i'd miss out alot if i dont ):
this sucks.

anw, today was okay.
although all the aircon was making it worse for me but i still kept drinking cold drinks!
yeah, i didn't takecare of myself, i accept it.
and it got pretty worse when i went to KFC after training to eat with fifa, amira, pira & amin.
i drank pepsi there too then i started shivering cos i felt superduper COLD!
that was why i couldn't even stay and talk to the volleyballers that came there cos i couldn't take the coldness. besides, i was practically losing my voice.
i didn't go for training too but had to sit arnd and wait for a briefing on the camp.
i was trying to rush my hist then but couldn't concentrate cos i had no mood to do.
& the soccer guys kept disturbing me.
gosh, me and my mental friends.
they are the lamest people! HAHAH (:
so yeah, ended up going for dinner after that cos we had hunger pangs.
but it was fun though.

& yeah, the volleyballers came after their match.
i guess it didn't go too well for them.
yet to THE SR VOLLEYBALLERS

(tht come across this blog) :
don't worry people!
just take it as a good first experience & learn from it.
you'll just need to boost your confidence & train harder.
i'm sure you'll can do it. yups.
JIAYOU! haha (:

yups. oh and there's netball camp, this friday & saturday.
i'm still deciding on whether to go or not.
amira wants me to go but still, i don't feel an urge/need to go.
so i've got one day plus to decide :/
gosh, i realised i still have my hist corrections to do & i have to study for hist test.
blahhs, my sickness isn't helping me.
i want to sleep now but i've got so much work due.
arghh.
ohwells, you can't blame a girl for being sick ):
maybe i'd try to wake up earlier to do work.
so for now, i'm off.

i broke my record today.

yknow i felt so wierd after the msg.

like i've done a grave mistake.

& it's you who made me feel this way.

the impact of your words.

and notice the irony of it.

i said 'see you' & the next moment, i saw you.

it wouldn't mean anything to you,

but maybe it meant something to me?.

when you let your heart win.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

♥ 9:33 PM

YSTD I WASN'T IN SCHOOL.

so for all the people who didn't realise, you're such losers.

HAHAHA.

gosh sorry, that's plain evil.

but anyway, i had gastric pains & my throat had already start to hurt.

and to my LAME BESTIE, MR K. HARAVIN,

i wasn't doing any TRICKS. it's gasTRIC & not TRICK, you loser!

HAHAHAH.

goshhh, i practically laughed so hard at your lameness today. heh.

you're mad dude and i'd miss you next year when i would have to leave & no, i don't want to repeat cos my parents would kill me, so stop asking me to come back & repeat just for your sake! HAHA, but i still love you, bestie (:

OMG OMG, LOOK WHAT I JUST FOUND IN MY PICTURES! HAHAHAHA :)

he's gonna kill me, if he see's this!

and anw, today i was in a pretty good mood, except for the fact that my throat is getting worse & during maths lecture i was practically coughing every 5 minutes :/
now, i'm even losing my voice. it's all coming out muffled.
boooos. i hate being sick!
yeah and i was trying to cheer steph up cos she was so down & later i found out it's just because of her heavy bag. hah
that cuckoohead packed soooo much stuff but nvm, i shall teach her how to bring minimal stuff.
HAHAH.
so yes, lyd came to school pretty late so i couldn't talk to her much.
after school went to long john with fifa, amira and pops.
i suddenly had a craving for the shrimps & so they accompanied me (:
it was lovely & we had girltalks about a certain topic.
woah, i didn't know that life could be so unexpected in many ways.
gosh gosh, it was certainly a new thing for me to hear all that stuff, haha.
& i've learned a new thing today!
woohooo.
yes, i'm rather excited to learn new stuff.
the thing is, "never be clingy, cos it just pushes people away"
& don't think i chose to learn this for no rhyme or reason cos obviously there is.

and once again, i'm linking it to you.

still trying to find the reason.

i told you, whatever you said would cause a GREAT impact.

well now, i think it's the clingy-ness.

is it?

gosh, i'm messing up my own mind.

and i think i'm making myself more as a stranger to you, by avoiding.

yet, i don't want to be a stranger.

so i guess what you said was wrong.

we DO have similarities,

in contradicting.

well anw, i have to be off soon to do my ever-so-wonderful GP hw that i'm lazy to do.

& my never-ending hist corrections ):

boooos.

and my junior just asked me for help for his PI stuff.

made me remember how much i used to hate doing PW and all the quarrels/stress/printing of stuff for myself & others and all the PW lessons where everyone would try to come in late or run away to buy food.

gosh, last year was such a big, crazy mess, in a way.

HAHA.

and to think, this year might be worse, even with NO pw.

blahhhs.

ohwells, homeworks calling, with a faint voice, SO I SHALL GO.

i'm still analysing everything you wrote.

yes, i know

i think TOO much.

when you let your heart win.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

♥ 8:37 PM

you talked about opposites being a bad thing.
but i think that was what attracted me in the first place.
but what would i know, right?
i aint an expert and you sure don't make me feel like one.

FRIDAY:

STEP UP 2 with amira and the guys.
hara & pira couldn't come & shah left without watching the movie ):
the movie was okay but not as great as the first one.
though the lead actress had such a hot body.
and TYLER (channing tatum) was like WOAH. hahah (:
so after the movie ate lunch and then searched for my granny's present.
finally bought something and i left for my granny's house while the rest went to send amira off to her bbq.
i was too caught up on thinking how to get to my granny's house that i forgot to say 'bye' to the rest.
maybe what someone told me before is really accurate.
'sometimes i let my emotions dictate my actions too much & it get's in the way'.
anw, then went to celebrate my granny's birthday.
spent alot of time with the family & the guilt of not studying kept popping up in my mind.

SATURDAY:

went to school to study with steph, ml & nazi.
i went there quite late but managed to do some econs.
but we did listen to alot of songs and nazi was teaching steph and ml how to shuffle.
hahaha.
it was hilarious, trust me.
steph seemed like a bobble-head doll!
hahaha, gosh i love my classmates and their retarded-ness.
saw the soccer boys too & faiz was so amazed that i was in school studying.
heh.
and there was a wave today.
it was awkward but ughh, it had to be done.
atfirst steph asked me why there was no wave & i had no answer, i just shrugged.
but then i guess he did wave later on or maybe i was expecting him to, so he just accommodated it, like he always does.
whatever it is, i'm trying hard to push everything aside.
it's pretty darn hard, honestly.
i've realised, no matter how many letters i write, you'll never get the full thing.
you'll just confuse me with your replies & msges & all the contradictions.
so it's better to solve the problem this way.
ughh.
so then, after that went to vivo to eat, with ml.
we walked arnd that after that and saw this wedding fair thing.
there was a wedding dress fashion show and the models were ALL tall and skinny & extremely gorgeous.
even the guys looked great.
i was kinda jealous, looking at the wonderful dresses that they were wearing and how great they looked.
so i pulled myself away from there, reluctantly and got home but i didn't do any work cos i felt pretty awful and sick.
managed to bring myself out for dinner with my family after that.
then came back home & i fall asleep on the sofa :/
i think i've lost it cos i feel like my energy's drained.
i'm sleeping alot & i can't seem to get up no matter how hard i try.
maybe i need vitamins? ):

TODAY:

didn't go for religious class today cos i couldn't wake up.
yeah i know, i'm atrocious.
i told you i think i lack vitamins or something.
i did manage to drag myself out of bed at about 1 plus.
managed to do more econs then went to look at a house with my family.
my dad's still house-hunting cos he's thinking of moving, yups.
that was pretty much what had happened today.
now i'd have to go back to do more work & school week starts tomorrow.
hopefully i can survive the whole week :/
gosh, A-level year is extremely dreadful like how everyone said it would be.
but i'm positive.

yes i'm am, so you better don't think i'm not.

i'm sick of relating every song that i hear,

to you.

truth is, i miss you.

no matter how i try to deny it.

i miss msg-ing you & awaiting your replies.

but the thought of it ALL being fake

& how maybe you were just 'making up' the replies,

makes me feel super wierd & confused.

i don't know what to feel about you now.

even my idea of opposites attracting has been crushed,

by what you said.

when you let your heart win.

Friday, March 21, 2008

♥ 1:08 AM

it's been exactly FOUR days.
gosh, i'm amazed with my discipline and resistance.

ohman, i think i'm falling ill;
1) i couldn't concentrate for the last few lessons and only ribena and chocolates kept my sugar level up to keep me awake, if not i think i would have died in the lectures.
2) and for the first time, i missed the bus-stop and had to get down at the next one cos i was so tired/sick that i didn't notice my bus-stop till the bus left it :/
3) my throat hurts like hell too.

it's such a bad timing to fall ill cos i really need to catch up on my schoolwork & revision & i was planning to use this long weeked to do that. ughh, this sucks.
but i'm still going to study, no matter what. no distractions! that's the motto to uphold. HAHA.

tmrw watching step up 2 with amira, raihan, faiz, faizal, hara and some of the other soccer guys. hopefully they don't come late. oh and fifa, ENJOY YOUR TIOMAN TRIP! don't forget our seashells. HAHA (: you'll be missed, greatly. (especially by FAIZ! hahahah). so after tmrw's movie, there'll be no more outings for me, most likely. cos it's down to studying.
gosh, i hope i can do it & that i don't lose my determination along the way.

oh, and to STEPH:
don't ever EVER give up no matter who says what or even if everything seems pointless or meaningless. for all the hard work that you have put in, you will reap the benefits eventually. yeah. you still have me, ter & lyd and all our classmates and also many other friends out there who are supporting you no matter what. we WILL study together and we WILL do well. no matter how long it takes, you must never feel like letting everything go, okay? promise to stay & work hard with me okay! yeah. you can change for the better and we will help you! yeap. jiayou! HAHAH. and most importantly, i love you loads, dear! so smile & cheer up (: (:

i guess i was just plain fun for you atfirst,

and after that you got annoyed.

well anw, thanks for your pretence all this while.

cos it did make me happy most of the time.

maybe cos i judged it all too quickly, naively.

when you let your heart win.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

♥ 3:48 PM

hmm, didn't blog ystd cos i felt asleep immediately when i came home.
gosh i was so tired that i had to wake up in the morning to do my econs hw.
couldn't force myself to wake up at night.
and anw, ystd's plan didn't happen cos hara's grandmother got admitted in the hospital so he had to rush off.
so waiting arnd for them to end training was so pointless.
ohwells, atleast i managed to run the 10 rounds that we had to run for NETBALL.
me and lyd ran super slowly so our timing was so not accurate but it was superduper HOT at that time. we were practially dying.
so yeah, after running lyd waited with me till amira came.
talked with lyd about a certain matter.
she claimed that she didn't give me good advice but i think it helped me quite a bit.
although i told myself i'd forget about it all and push it aside, it was surely nice to have her explain some things to me and relieve some of the confusion.
HAHA.
well, i guess what she said might surely have been the case.
"experience is something you were lacking in alot, right?"
maybe that was one factor.
and another thing she said got me thinking too.
"maybe it was just for fun for you?"
and i guess i was pressing on too much.
guess my insecurities got in my way.
i should have just gone with the flow and not thought too much abt the situation and question your interest so much.
"it's probably why you got annoyed?"
okay, anyway, it was great talking to lyd.
made me realise how much i miss girl-clique talks.
wait, don't get me wrong.
i love my guy-friends like hara, pira, shah they all.
but i was from a girl school and i did have my girl-clique where we could share EVERYTHING and it was fun.
gosh, i miss them.
but i do love my sr friends.
especially amira and fifa and lyd, steph & ter.
yups, they keep me going on.
and i'm grateful for that. so yeah, then lyd left and amira and me tried to study while waiting for the soccer training to end. then we rushed to buy the cake and came back then realised hara left. ohwells, hopefully his grandma is well! yeah.

so the celebration was postponed to today.
during lunchtime we asked pira to bring hara down. got faiz to light the cake and we sang the birthday song in the canteen. it was only a few of us but could see that hara was happy! hahs. so yeah. nothing much else happened today except that we got our RESULTS. whoosh. there was not much surprises. for the amount of effort i put in, i deserved the marks i got. but i was surprised i managed to pass lit. they must have been lenient. so i've only passed lit and gp this time. i missed S for maths by 1 miserable mark and ofcourse for econs and hist is the 'not-surprising' U. gosh, i'm sure my parents are gonna be called down but atleast i prepared them first (:

oh and most teachers kept giving us 'speeches' today. and ms zeenat's one made a rather big iimpact on my class. she kept saying that we should take up the challenge of having "NO-LIFE" for the rest of the six months that were left. she said that we shouldn't bother abt what other people thought of us. and most imptly, we should work AS A CLASS. and i think whatever she said was quite true. in the end it's me that suffers or reaps the benefits of what i have done, right? so me and steph decided that we're going to try and keep to the no-life thing. try ah cos it's going to be rather hard. but atleast we're willing to try, right? (: heh. so yeah then the day ended late due to econs and lit star period. and i went off home after that. wooh! first time that i left home immediately after school. it kind of felt good. and while i was walking out of sch, me and fifa were talking abt how we need to stop slacking with our friends. so yeah, i'm glad that ALL my friends are realising it and no one get's left behind. gosh, i can't wait for 2A04 to appear at almost the top of all the lists of the exams cos i kind of felt jealous when i looked at the top classes. so many classes were improving but our class still at the average area. and i guess i have to put in my fair share of effort to help pull the class up too. so yeap, i'm going to work hard and try to resist ALL temptations. i hope i can do it.

yknow what i suddenly remembered?

you told me that you didn't have alot of close girl-friends.

& i remember saying i'd be one for sure & you nodded. so thats what i tried to be. but i guess i was being my too overly-friendly self. & look how it ended up. even to acknowledge you now,

i'm afraid :/

gosh, i seriously regret.

we shld have just stayed the way we were.

MY FAULT :(

when you let your heart win.

Monday, March 17, 2008

♥ 1:30 AM

omg, i've finally got a new blog.
okay not much has changed since the last one. but atleast now i wouldnt be ashamed to say my blogname OUT LOUD. hah. cos this time i really like the name. it suits me very well. HAHA.
and besides, i think i should start using this blog in the hopes of helping me improve my english.
everytime i heard more and more of my seniors telling me that they failed GP, the more anxious i got. and so, i now vow to concentrate more during GP class cos i realise i tend to zone out alot during GP. booos. must stop now though if not i'll be superduper dead for GP. shucks.

anw, today wasn't much of an exciting day.
morning had to go for our ever-early religious class.
gosh, i was so tempted not to go.
but i guess it was kind of fun cos i was going crazy there.
singing random songs and being ever-so-clumsy.
sheesh, i bet like everyone there knows i'm one big cuckoohead.
HAHAH.
but it was fun la.
people like nurul and fatin and even annoying khalis, hafiz and amiruddin make the class bearable. yups.
and we've all planned to watch leap years together.
it seems almost everyone in my class hasn't watch it yet and there i was thinking that i was the only soul in singapore who still hadn't watched it. hah.
wooh, so i finally found people!
so now mr. benjamin QUACK! (aka CHEENA-MAN) can't laugh at me cos i do have people to watch it with. WOOHOO.
hah.

anw, after class, dropped at vivo to search or birthday gifts.
ended up only buying one present when i was supposed to buy 3.
nothing seemed suitable to buy and vivo just didn't have many attractive shops.
sheesh, this is why you should never do last minute present-shopping.
i think i'll just do some artsy-fartsy thing or like my bro calls it, go 'art-frenzy' and make something for my grandma instead of buying something.
yeah, she'll probably treasure it more that way (:

well okay then after that it was back home and i kind of just watched tv and used my laptop all the way till now.
oh, i did pack my stuff for school, inbetween.
i realised that i have ALOT of catching up to do if i want to get good grades for my A's.
and i think i just wasted my holidays away.
can you believe i didn't even touch a single book?
gosh, i really need to buck up.
but after what happened tonight, i've realised that i'm not supposed to let ANYTHING or rather ANYONE get in the way of my studies.
how am i supposed to get into NUS psychology if i go on in this state.
that's why it's time i gave myself a reality check and start studying, properly.
NO DISTRACTIONS.
atleast, i'm going to try.
cos i realised it's totally not worthdid.

what did the past weeks end up in?
A TOTAL MESS.
and back to square one.
booos.
well, it was partly my fault, or rather mostly my fault.
that's my opinion anyway.
so yeah, hopefully i change for the better.
and i learn to forget or atleast push it aside for later.
cos now there's no point in doing anything and there's nothing left for me to do.
okay, yup i think it's time for me to sleep.
i'll have to wake up in 3 hours time! bye.

hey you, yknow what, i saw no point in the letter or anything cos eventually, your msges confused me AGAIN. like they always do. it's like you said you don't like me and then you say my words matter to you. contradiction, don't you think? and yeah, i guess now we came to an 'ending'. or rather, what you claimed was the best solution. but you kept asking me whether i was okay with it & guess what?

obviously i'm NOT. i mean, can't you figure it out yourself. do i have to put it out literally. i'm the one with the feelings, so obviously i'm not okay with it. but i don't want to lose you as a 'friend'. if you are my friend atleast. i just don't want to lose you and make it seem like we don't realise each other exist. cos i can't do that. it's TOO HARD. i practically see you arnd ALOT. it's hard not to. and it's equally hard not to notice you. but what did you expect me to say? if you really wanted to know the truth, i would have just shouted out that:

gosh, i definitely want you to be SO much more than a friend & i'm willing to try anything.

BUT, i guess now i'll only have to wait and go on with my life. maybe, just maybe, wait till you might start to feel the same?

so yeah, i guess i'll just follow whatever you want me to do.

so hi & bye to you, my 'friend'.

when you let your heart win.